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Robbi Behr and Matthew Swanson are an illustrator/writer, wife/husband duo who spend all their waking hours making stuff together: books with pictures and words, obstreperous children, and constant messes everywhere. Other details are available here

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Matthew Draws 49: The Answers

Friends,

Some of you have been clamoring for answers. Some of you have been respectfully patient. How do I reward the latter camp without indulging the first? I do not know. It is 5:00 in the morning, and I lack the wits to do anything but march on into that terrifying space known as the spreadsheet containing your answers.

Subject one 

You did well, people. Which means I did well. Well, most of you did well. Some of you did not do well. Some of you did terribly. Which does not mean that I did terribly.

The struggling among you offered these wrong answers:

  • Cannibal Jay-Z, wearing his victim’s liver as a bathing cap & picking the last bits o’ flesh out of his teeth w/ a finger bone
  • Kanye? I don’t even know what Kanye looks like, but I’m guessing he looks like this
  • Oh my dear lord. What sort of scalp infection have you imputed to Champagne Papi??
  • You on your worst days
  • Christopher Walken

Those of you who did well guessed Drake, which is clearly who I drew.

Those of you who guessed Drake but were feeling impish went further:

  • Drake with spinach in his teeth
  • I know this one! Canadian superstar Drake!
  • Drake and his oppressive hairline
  • Drake in a stubble-y bathing cap
  • Drake (No brainer! Perhaps your closest likeness yet!)
  • Either a lobotomy patient or Drake.
  • Drake fresh off his latest beef with a mallard.

 

Subject two

Moving on then, to a place where you struggled, friends, through no fault of my own.

Your guesses were many and varied, from Angelina Jolie to Drew Kristin Stewart to Lady Gaga.

My favorite wrong guesses:

  • Kate Middleton or Meghan Markle again. I feel you’re obsessed with England.
  • Megan Fox has a headache?
  • Someone who’d be downright sexy if only she’d learn to keep her overcooked linguine finters out of sight
  • Malaria Trump….hahahaha autocorrect change
  • Megan Fox with hand implants
  • Lindsay Lohan stars in Munch’s “The Scream”

Two of you were on the mark, though only one provided the proper name of the only woman stunning enough to be the beauty depicted in my drawing of Gal Gadot.

Subject three

At this point, you should have been hitting your stride. But apparently you did not get the memo.

There seemed to be disagreement as to whether this person was a man:

  • Steve Buscemi
  • Owen Wilson
  • Keith Richards
  • Billy Idol, old
  • Vincent Van Gogh (with the one ear and all)

Or not a man:

  • Carol from The Walking Dead
  • Amy Sedaris, watching her first autopsy and liking it
  • Patti Lupone. I am wrong.
  • Emily Blunt after a blunt
  • Is Janet Reno still alive?
  • This is Sloth’s older sister, whose scenes were sadly cut from the final version of The Goonies
  • Anxiety

This person, of course, unambiguously, is none other than (as five of you guessed), Cynthia Nixon.

Subject four

 And for my final triumph:

In spite of my pitch-perfect likeness, plenty of you still walked afield of the answer.

  • Prince…Purple Rain style.
  • You when Robbi hasn’t cut your hair
  • Disgruntled Bob Ross
  • Philosopher/beat poet in search of ultimate truth and his missing meerschaum pipe
  • Booger from Revenge of the Nerds
  • No clue. By the way, don’t google hairy celebrities looking for ideas of who this might be….
  • The good-looking BeeGee with a facial anomaly
  • I don’t know, but his eyes stare through my soul
  • Ben Affleck (pre-rehab after rehab)
  • Tumor Chin Magee
  • Donald Glover in his new alter-ego: Beethoven Gambino
  • Lionel Ritchie as PA from Little House on the Prairie

Many, many of you were right, you gratifying fools, but this was my favorite correct guess:

  • YOU KNOW NOTHING JON SNOW

Or, in other words, Kit Harrington.

As for my star rating, you collective inquisitors graced me with a 3.64, which would have been higher if not for a handful of cruelty from the several of you who decided to give me a 1. Have you people ever heard of un-tough love? How am I supposed to bloom without the sunlight of your praise?

And then Robbi asked you a question. An important question. A question worthy of deep thought.

BONUS: If you were on the Titanic and you had the choice to go overboard with one of these people on a one-person raft, who would you choose? Alternately, would you prefer to just stay on board and sink with the ship? Why?

  • Squid fingers. She would be a great distraction with sharks.
  • I would sink with the ship but Anxiety would stay with me anyway
  • Squid Hand lady, because presumably her squid hands could propel our lifeboat to safety
  • Kit Harrington, aka Jon Snow—he has a knack for coming back to life which might be useful in a survival situation
  • Spaghetti Fingers, cuz you could detach her arms & spin them rapidly, turning her bizarro hands into propellers & thereby leaving the rest of the passengers to their hypothermic deaths as you motored off to a nice hot toddy at a seaside restaurant.
  • I’d hang out on the raft with Drake. Because isn’t he Canadian?
  • Cynthia Nixon. She is for legalizing recreational pot, so she would probably have a stash on her. And if I’m going to freeze and/or drown in the North Atlantic, I may as well light it up! Wait, this isn’t the kid site is it?  I was joking. I would never smoke. Don’t tell my boss. Stay away from drugs!
  • With Drake and my feelings.
  • The BeeGee. His face is a personal flotation device.
  • I would definitely not take Matthew. At least not if he had a sketch pad.
  • He’d make a hit song about the experience
  • I mean, would it be good to go down with the ship with Drake as he performed his soon to be posthumous chart topper, Headed to the Bottom?
  • Drake because he knows God’s plan
  • I’ll go with Jon Snow. Maybe Khaleesi will send a dragon to rescue us.
  • If Kit Harrington is staying on board, so am I.
  • #1 – Oral hygiene is an underestimated trait
  • #2, because she might actually be kinda hot.
  • I’d sink with the ship. Captions always sink with their ships, am I right?

And that’s all. For now. My drawing hand is already getting itchy. And not just because of the rash.

 

Matthew Draws 49

Summer has come and gone, and the recent break in the stifling heat has given Matthew the drawing itch again. This is why we all rage about the end of summer.

Give it a go. Guess your heart out. Don’t get too attached to your answers, though, because they will likely be only 50% right, at best.

I like to set expectations low, so as to never be disappointed. Don’t you wish I had been your trigonometry teacher?

Matthew Draws 48: The Answers

Hello friends and people who used to be friends but quit in exasperation and won’t be coming back.

It’s time to share the answers, both wrong and correct.

I gave you this.

And you gave so much in return.

First of all, was the Sarah Jessica Parker camp. ELEVEN of you guessed Sarah Jessica Parker. To which I say, “WHAT?” Someone please post of Sarah Jessica Parker in which she looks even sort of like the woman in this magnificent drawing.

Then there was the “I’m pretty sure it’s a lady, but I can’t tell which one,” camp. Fair enough. I respect that. If you have to place a guess, place a guess. Just don’t guess SARAH JESSICA PARKER when I have drawn this person who looks NOTHING AT ALL like SARAH JESSICA PARKER. If you think I’m getting a little worked up, it’s because I am.

  • Drew Barrymore
  • Kelly Anne Conway
  • Eva Mendes
  • Mila Kunis
  • Madonna
  • Bette Midler
  • Queen Elizabeth
  • Clara Bow
  • Jennifer Aniston
  • Bette Midler
  • Is that Eleanor Roosevelt?
  • Bea Arthur… aka Dorothy “man Hands” Zbornak

Then there was the “I’m distracted by what I think is a mole” camp.

  • Sarah Jessica Parker, mainly because of the crazy eyes and the little growth in her face
  • I feel the mole should give it away. If not for the mole, I’d guess Kaitlyn Jenner?
  • With that beauty mark I want to say Marilyn Monroe but no way!

Sorry campers. That “mole” is a piece of crap on the scanner bed. Do you deserve a clean scanner? You definitely do. Is it going to happen. It definitely might.

Then there was the “Maybe it’s a man,” camp.

  • Thomas Jefferson
  • Victor Borge
  • Jeffrey Tambor in Transparent
  • Jack Lemmon in Some Like it Hot
  • John Lithgow dressed as a woman
  • A founding father in drag
  • George Washington as Martha
  • Oscar Wilde

(Oscar earned several nominations from the Academy)

And then there was the “Heck if I know, so let’s be funny,” camp. I really like this camp. If I had to go camping this weekend, this is the group I would most want to share my marshmallows with.

  • Drag Bea Arthur
  • Bust of George Washington
  • Gene Wilder as Dorothy Gale
  • Oscar Wilde doing his best Dame Edna with a prosthetic ostrich hand
  • 1920’s flapper in 1960
  • Oscar Wilde wearing the feathers of the ostrich who’s hand he earlier took for his own.
  • Stephen Fry playing Meryl Streep playing Oscar Wilde

And then there was the blessed one of you who correctly guessed Virginia Woolf.

Bless you, blessed one.

   

Next up was this.

This time, there were no camps to speak of. Just a bunch of people pitching tents in the wilderness and shivering in the darkness alone.

Some of you were direct in your confusion.

  • Jared Kushner
  • Matt Damon
  • Paul Ryan
  • Matthew Perry
  • Stephen Fry
  • Jim from The Office
  • Tom Holland or maybe Harvey Dent
  • High Grant
  • Matthew Perry
  • Matthew MacFadyen
  • Brandon Frazier
  • Brit Hume
  • Owen Wilson
  • Chris Noth
  • Chandler from Friends
  • Jon stewart
  • Brian Williams
  • James Vanderbeek (The dude who played Dawson—is that his name?)
  • Brendan Frasier
  • Sean Spicer
  • Robert Downey Jr
  • Dwight Shrute!
  • K D Lang
  • Colin Jost
  • Ryan Gosling
  • Rich Madaleno
  • Young Bill Clinton
  • John Hamm
  • John Krasinski
  • Ryan Reynolds

Whereas others cast about more restlessly:

  • Generic Any Guy
  • NFL player
  • Pass
  • The star of NCIS Special Forensic Investigatory Force Squad. Aka … generic white dude who’ll break the rules, but it’s okay because he’s always right.
  • Wow. I really have no clue. Some Williams grad at the end of the night of their 20th reunion?
  • Xerox salesmen from Evansville Indiana
  • Everyone who went to Eton

One of you had no strength of conviction:

  • Jason Segel, though I’m pretty sure I’m wrong

Two of you were restlessly correct:

  • Justin Trudeau as Ryan Gosling
  • That weak Justin Trudeau with his sensitive girly eyelashes

And one blessed one of you hit the nail on the head.

  • Justin Treadeau

As it turns out, this was one of my more successful drawings.

Wherein “success” is defined as drawing someone with sufficient likeness for multiple of you to correctly guess the subject. (I would like to pause for a moment and point out that this is a vexingly narrow definition of success.)

Some of you were just not right:

  • Gene Wilder as Dee Snider
  • Ozzie Osbourne
  • Adrien Grenier
  • Jane Curtain
  • Russel Brand
  • Barbra Streisand
  • Glenn Close
  • Robert Plant
  • Michelle Wolf
  • Michael Jackson
  • Cher
  • Steven Tyler
  • Howard Stern
  • Tiny Tim
  • Debra Messing
  • Jessica Walter
  • Paula Poundstone
  • Englebert Humperdink
  • Really surprised Robert Plant?
  • Tiny Tim & Annie Leibovitz’s love child
  • My future nightmare

One of you squandered your guess on hubris:

  • I know this one. :-)

And many of you. MANY, I say, correctly guessed Weird Al Yankovic.

  • Weird Al with a dangerous rip near his eye socket, please get him to an opthamalogist, stat!
  • I’m going with Weird Al, because I think I’ve seen your Michael Jackson and it’s a better likeness than this
  • Weird Al. I feel good about this.
  • Weird Al I hope!
  • Weird Al. Definitely
  • That’s totally Weird Al Yankovic. Polka Party!

And here is where things got messy, as I suspected they might.

 

Those of you in the “I’m just going to make a straighforward guess” camp, arrived to discover that the tent pads were flooded and the bathrooms in the comfort station were clogged and non-functional:

  • Katy Perry
  • Tim Minchin
  • Sweeney Todd
  • Charlize Theron
  • It’s the guy from the Cure
  • Gene Wilder as Chucky
  • Johnny Depp as Edward Scissorhands
  • Lin Manuel Miranda
  • Johnny Depp
  • Daveed Diggs as Lafayette
  • Malia Obama
  • Roseanne Rosanadanna
  • Adele
  • Emma Watson
  • Helena Bonham Carter
  • Robert Smith
  • Beetlejuice
  • Roz Chast
  • Carrot Top
  • Courtney Love
  • Albert Einstein
  • Edward Scissorhands
  • Wanda Sykes
  • Carrot Top
  • Jack White
  • TJ Miller
  • Benjamin Franklin
  • Kirstie Alley?

Clearly, those of you in the wilderness crew struggled to find a patch of level land on which to pitch a tent.

  • Why am I getting Glenn Close on this one?!
  • Michelle Wolf with straightened hair
  • Hilda. I mean, even if her name isn’t Hilda, it really should be.
  • No clue! But it’s creepy!
  • Astonished McWaterfallhead
  • It’s the guy from the Cure
  • Gene Wilder as Chucky
  • Astonished McWaterfallhead
  • No clue! But it’s creepy!

And then there was the befuddled-but-lovable “ghosts/composers/Helena Bonham Carter” camp

  • Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart
  • Crazy hair, weird clothes, lets say Helena Bonham Carter
  • Ludwig von Beethoven
  • Beethoven’s ghost
  • The ghost of Ludwig van Beethoven disgusing himself as Helena Bonham Carter
  • Uh, Mozart?

Which means not one of you guessed that the subject of my drawing was none other than Lady Gaga.

At this moment, I would like you to admit, that my drawing is ACTUALLY PRETTY GOOD. In this case, it is the fault of the subject herself that all of you were led so wildly astray.

Calculating my star rating for the week, it seems you gave me a collective 3.4357 out of 5. But I’m going to just round that up to 5.

As for the bonus question:

Which would make the most terrifying clown, and why?

  • Weird Al. Because he would have an accordion. And the only thing more terrifying than a clown is a clown playing the polka.
  • The second one. The Justin Trudeau/Brad Pitt looking fellow. A handsome clown is a terrifying clown.
  • Kellyane Conway. She terrifies me even when she’s not in clown gear.
  • Weird Al would make the worst clown. He’ll lure you in with his witty tunes, and next thing you know, an oversized flower has drenched your right eyeball.
  • Last one, obvious reasons of course
  • Well, I know # 1 can’t possibly be Virginia Woolf, but she would make one terrifying clown, admit it. Why? Because modernism and clowns don’t mix.
  • Definitely Beethoven’s ghost. I don’t know Matthew. These were so crazy-making I can’t think of anything to say.
  • Christopher Walken, because he pays no attention to punctuation. Ever.
  • Oscar Wilde, because he’d be an old-fashioned clown in daguerreotype which would make him the most creepiest.
  • #2, because there’s really nothing more terrifying than a guy in a suit who thinks he knows what he’s doing.
  • #3 – Look at those eyes, no wait don’t look, look away, for the love of god look away!

And that’s a wrap, folks. I hope you enjoyed your respective camping trips.

Thus begins the Matthew Draws 2018 summer sojourn. Robbi and I are off to the tundra to catch fish and not post to the internet for a while. I’ll start drawing again in mid-July.

Until then, if you miss this noble exercise, you can go back and enjoy my drawings of the past. Or not enjoy them, as the case may be.