Friends,

Some of you have been clamoring for answers. Some of you have been respectfully patient. How do I reward the latter camp without indulging the first? I do not know. It is 5:00 in the morning, and I lack the wits to do anything but march on into that terrifying space known as the spreadsheet containing your answers.

Subject one 

You did well, people. Which means I did well. Well, most of you did well. Some of you did not do well. Some of you did terribly. Which does not mean that I did terribly.

The struggling among you offered these wrong answers:

  • Cannibal Jay-Z, wearing his victim’s liver as a bathing cap & picking the last bits o’ flesh out of his teeth w/ a finger bone
  • Kanye? I don’t even know what Kanye looks like, but I’m guessing he looks like this
  • Oh my dear lord. What sort of scalp infection have you imputed to Champagne Papi??
  • You on your worst days
  • Christopher Walken

Those of you who did well guessed Drake, which is clearly who I drew.

Those of you who guessed Drake but were feeling impish went further:

  • Drake with spinach in his teeth
  • I know this one! Canadian superstar Drake!
  • Drake and his oppressive hairline
  • Drake in a stubble-y bathing cap
  • Drake (No brainer! Perhaps your closest likeness yet!)
  • Either a lobotomy patient or Drake.
  • Drake fresh off his latest beef with a mallard.

 

Subject two

Moving on then, to a place where you struggled, friends, through no fault of my own.

Your guesses were many and varied, from Angelina Jolie to Drew Kristin Stewart to Lady Gaga.

My favorite wrong guesses:

  • Kate Middleton or Meghan Markle again. I feel you’re obsessed with England.
  • Megan Fox has a headache?
  • Someone who’d be downright sexy if only she’d learn to keep her overcooked linguine finters out of sight
  • Malaria Trump….hahahaha autocorrect change
  • Megan Fox with hand implants
  • Lindsay Lohan stars in Munch’s “The Scream”

Two of you were on the mark, though only one provided the proper name of the only woman stunning enough to be the beauty depicted in my drawing of Gal Gadot.

Subject three

At this point, you should have been hitting your stride. But apparently you did not get the memo.

There seemed to be disagreement as to whether this person was a man:

  • Steve Buscemi
  • Owen Wilson
  • Keith Richards
  • Billy Idol, old
  • Vincent Van Gogh (with the one ear and all)

Or not a man:

  • Carol from The Walking Dead
  • Amy Sedaris, watching her first autopsy and liking it
  • Patti Lupone. I am wrong.
  • Emily Blunt after a blunt
  • Is Janet Reno still alive?
  • This is Sloth’s older sister, whose scenes were sadly cut from the final version of The Goonies
  • Anxiety

This person, of course, unambiguously, is none other than (as five of you guessed), Cynthia Nixon.

Subject four

 And for my final triumph:

In spite of my pitch-perfect likeness, plenty of you still walked afield of the answer.

  • Prince…Purple Rain style.
  • You when Robbi hasn’t cut your hair
  • Disgruntled Bob Ross
  • Philosopher/beat poet in search of ultimate truth and his missing meerschaum pipe
  • Booger from Revenge of the Nerds
  • No clue. By the way, don’t google hairy celebrities looking for ideas of who this might be….
  • The good-looking BeeGee with a facial anomaly
  • I don’t know, but his eyes stare through my soul
  • Ben Affleck (pre-rehab after rehab)
  • Tumor Chin Magee
  • Donald Glover in his new alter-ego: Beethoven Gambino
  • Lionel Ritchie as PA from Little House on the Prairie

Many, many of you were right, you gratifying fools, but this was my favorite correct guess:

  • YOU KNOW NOTHING JON SNOW

Or, in other words, Kit Harrington.

As for my star rating, you collective inquisitors graced me with a 3.64, which would have been higher if not for a handful of cruelty from the several of you who decided to give me a 1. Have you people ever heard of un-tough love? How am I supposed to bloom without the sunlight of your praise?

And then Robbi asked you a question. An important question. A question worthy of deep thought.

BONUS: If you were on the Titanic and you had the choice to go overboard with one of these people on a one-person raft, who would you choose? Alternately, would you prefer to just stay on board and sink with the ship? Why?

  • Squid fingers. She would be a great distraction with sharks.
  • I would sink with the ship but Anxiety would stay with me anyway
  • Squid Hand lady, because presumably her squid hands could propel our lifeboat to safety
  • Kit Harrington, aka Jon Snow—he has a knack for coming back to life which might be useful in a survival situation
  • Spaghetti Fingers, cuz you could detach her arms & spin them rapidly, turning her bizarro hands into propellers & thereby leaving the rest of the passengers to their hypothermic deaths as you motored off to a nice hot toddy at a seaside restaurant.
  • I’d hang out on the raft with Drake. Because isn’t he Canadian?
  • Cynthia Nixon. She is for legalizing recreational pot, so she would probably have a stash on her. And if I’m going to freeze and/or drown in the North Atlantic, I may as well light it up! Wait, this isn’t the kid site is it?  I was joking. I would never smoke. Don’t tell my boss. Stay away from drugs!
  • With Drake and my feelings.
  • The BeeGee. His face is a personal flotation device.
  • I would definitely not take Matthew. At least not if he had a sketch pad.
  • He’d make a hit song about the experience
  • I mean, would it be good to go down with the ship with Drake as he performed his soon to be posthumous chart topper, Headed to the Bottom?
  • Drake because he knows God’s plan
  • I’ll go with Jon Snow. Maybe Khaleesi will send a dragon to rescue us.
  • If Kit Harrington is staying on board, so am I.
  • #1 – Oral hygiene is an underestimated trait
  • #2, because she might actually be kinda hot.
  • I’d sink with the ship. Captions always sink with their ships, am I right?

And that’s all. For now. My drawing hand is already getting itchy. And not just because of the rash.

 

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