It’s Friday. I have a long list of pleasant and unpleasant things to do. I am utterly uninterested in the unpleasant things, and so I shall begin with my favorite thing of all.
To clarify, the drawing below is not my favorite thing of all. It’s your wonderful guesses that so delight me. But first we must wade past the awful inspiration that made them possible.
Here it is.
And you spoke:
- Kaley Cuoco before hair and makeup?
- Could this be Robin Wright Penn?
- Someone very serious (and a little crooked)
- This a successful, independent woman. Perhaps she writes or produces a funny tv show.
- Pink? Except I’m not sure that Pink would wear a collared shirt. Katie Couric? Because Katie Couric WOULD wear a collared shirt. But does she have a pixie cut? Oh, never mind.
- Sharon Stone a long long time ago.
- One of the many incarnations of Mylie Cyrus.
- Lena Dunham
- Ellen DeGeneres’s ex?
- I feel like this is one of those go-to iconic photos of this person that I’m going to be mad that I didn’t get. There’s something familiar about it. Or maybe not. I’m just going to guess Cameron Diaz because of the short hair and wide mouth. But it looks more like Casey Wilson with a terrible haircut and a caterpillar on her upper lip.
- Miley Cyrus. If you hadn’t said “dead eyes” I would have assumed Jennifer Lawrence. Oh, wait, can’t be Miley, pupils not dilated enough from the admitted drug use.
- My brain went: A landlady I once had, Miley Cirus, Carmen Diaz with short hair. I really just don’t know a lot of popular figures.
The fact that all of you thought this was a woman is not, in itself, insulting to me. My subject didn’t do himself any favors in failing to assert his masculinity.
I give you, Justin Bieber.
Next, we have this fellow. I’m assuming you all agreed that this is a man, but perhaps I shouldn’t assume…
- Based on the mole and the general look of pissed offness, I’m guessing Robert De Niro?
- We’re going with Robert De Niro on this one, though not sure he is quite as old as you’ve made him look here…
- Abe Vigoda
- We know it’s not Ian McKellen, but it’s the closest we could come to an answer.
- Gabriel Byrne
- If I look away and then look back real quick, I almost have it. But then I look at it too long and lose it again. Damn! I feel like it starts with a D. Willem Defoe???
- Al Pacino
- Harvey Keitel?
- Al Pacino?
- F. Murray Abraham! Yes? Yes! Maybe.
- Robert DeNiro, although he hardly qualifies as some generic old guy.
We seem to have consensus that I’ve drawn some sort of (possibly Italian) tough-guy.
But what inspires me most is the number of you that chose to guess in the royal we. Strong work, Matthew Draws guessers! Is this choice born of the pride of being among the elite cadre of people privy to the world’s most enjoyable-yet-obscure guessing game? Or just a function of hubris. Regardless, more, please!
And if you must have the answer, this is Robert DiNiro.
I’m actually vaguely satisfied with this drawing. Given that it is a drawing of a woman, and an attractive, not-yet-very-old woman, to boot, I think I’ve done quite well, easily stepping over the very low bar set by past attempts to faithfully render faces in this demographic.
- The only actress that I’m aware who has ever been known for her eyebrows is Brooke Shields? But I think I’m wrong because this is definitely not her nose. Unless you are being tricky.
- This looks vaguely like Helen Hunt, so let’s go with that
- I have no guess, but respect the effort
- Meryl Streep??
- Diane Sawyer
- My executive assistant? Or, oh wait, that young Gilmore Girl?
- Emma Stone
- Diane Sawyer
- Brooke Shields!
- Marissa Mayer?
- Helen Hunt, in her Mad About You glory days. So shruggy and wry!
- Helen Hunt. Although I really have no idea if she has shapely eyebrows or not. It’s the smugness of the laugh line area that says Helen Hunt.
- I worked with this lady a long time ago. She was going batty crazy then. I am glad to see she is still up for styling her hair.
And several of you agree with me, it seems, that this fine specimen is none other than the “shruggy and wry” Helen Hunt.
For my final subject, I dug a bit deeper into the celebrity war chest, adding relative obscurity to a guessing context already challenged by bad drawing. Which is to say, I didn’t expect anyone to guess this one, especially since the character for which this actress is best known has a very different on-screen hairdo.
But let’s tally your guesses.
- Carmen Ejogo?
- Absolutely no idea. Sorry
- Ru Paul? Or maybe one of those Kardashian creatures?
- Aaaah, we are so off our Matthew Draws game! Who is this!? Who are all these people?
- Audra McDonald
- Shonda Rhimes? I actually don’t know what she looks like, but this is what I imagine she looks like.
- Serena Williams
- Kerry the gorgeous Washington (melting, apparently)
- Wendy Williams????
- This in no way looks like Kerry Washington, but it makes me think this is how you would try to draw Kerry Washington. Shame on you.
- Any X-files character that was overtaken by the alien oil (the eyes)
- Yep. Uh huh, I see exactly who that is. Nope, got nuthin’.
I love that I am being asked to feel shame on behalf of a drawing I have not yet attempted. Rest assured, this is not Kerry Washington. Nor any of the other guesses proffered above.
It is, instead, the lovely (and decidedly un-crazy-eyed) Uzo Aduba.
Though you are likely more familiar with her character on Orange is the New Black.
Moving on to the final question…
Which one of these people is likely to win the “Worst Neighbor in America” award and why?
- I wouldn’t want to have to constantly listen to “Penny” knock-knock…”Penny” knock-knock…”Penny” knock-knock…
- Old men are often poor neighbors due to their sitting on porches with guns and yelling at the young folks. But if that actually is Ian McKellen, he would be the best neighbor.
- Rihanna – seriously questionable relationship sense.
- #3. She totally looks like a snoop. I bet she’s been through my trash three times already.
- Pacino. Definitely Pacino. I don’t know why. He just is.
- Diane Sawyer. She keep staring at you with those damned eyes, as if she’s just on the verge of breaking a scandal about YOU!
- Harvey, unless you need him to “fix” something for you…
- Marissa Mayer. As CEO of Yahoo, she prolly wouldn’t want to lend me a cup of sugar.
- Ole Murray. You know he would let his dogs poop in your yard. He would delight in it, in fact.
- I’d have to go with the alien eye lady. I mean, if you’ve already invaded Earth from a neighboring planet or galaxy, I imagine you’d have no qualms about letting your garbage cans blow onto my lawn or snatching a family pet.
- I would say my previous landlady, but as I cannot identify most of the others, I am not sure that is fair. I think living next to De Niro would be distracting.
And there you have it. Another round of guessing in the books. Thank you, my friends, for giving me momentum. I live my life from Friday to Friday. All that lies between a distant second to the thrills of making these drawings and sharing them with you.