Let’s get right to it.

Here’s what I drew. 

Your guesses ran a narrow gamut of men who are swarthy and at least a little creepy. I will be more specific

• Hank Azaria?
• That mopey vampire dude…
• I want to say Boris Karloff, but the frilly collar thing is making me think he is a she?
• Quentin Tarantino or Matthew Perry. Or a young Abe Vigoda.
• Robert Pattinson
• Matt Dylan?
• Robert Pattinson
• Angry Mel Gibson so angry so angry
• Quentin Tarantino
• Willem Dafoe!
• I would say Hank Azaria, after getting in a fistfight with the guy who said, “What, are you wearing lace under that?” Not funny at all.

And lo! A few of you were right. Which means I succeeded in that small, important way that gives me the will to put my pants back on this morning.

But what about the rest of my clothes? We shall see.

Next up, I did this.

 

And, looking back on this drawing (from the admittedly tarnished perspective of knowing who I was trying to draw), I think I did a decent job. I see my subject. I really do. The question is whether any of you did, too.

Survey says…

• Kirstie Alley?
• Pennsatuckey!
• Jessica Biel clearly thrilled to be JT’s baby mama?
• Renee “new face” Zellweger
• Ellen Pompeo (because it does look like her but poor Ellen, she’s so much prettier in real life!).
• Smiley McCrookedJaw?
• Sissy Spacek… with all of her facial features scooted over to the side of her head a little bit.
• She is sooo happy because she is Leann Eimes and she loves every second of being Leann Rimes
• LeAnn Rimes?
• A cousin of that princess in Shrek?
• The Amazing Levitating Zellweger Head as it floats over The Abyss.

And boy, do I sympathize with some of these answers. I do see a little bit of LeAnne. I do see a little bit if Kirstie. I do see a little bit of that Shrek cousin thing going on.

But no, I was drawing Ellen Pompeo. So thank you, visionary guesser, who saw past superficial human beauty (or lack thereof) to reach the essence of Ellen. The essence.

Encouraged, I continue.

Here I made the bold decision to draw a second pretty lady in the course of one batch of Matthew Draws (which is kind of like trying to fight two dragons with one sword; while sitting in a wheelchair).

Nevertheless…

 

Again, I was convinced that I had captured something essential about my subject. Her distinctively aquiline nose. Her vacant gaze. Her bland and slightly snarky smile.

And yet, you people. You people failed to hit the lovely softball thrown so gently right across the middle of the plate.

• SJP
• Sarah Jessica Parker?
• The heart shaped nose can only be Jennifer Love Hewitt.
• Sarah Jessica Parker in need of a nose hair trimmer
• Kate Hudson
• Sarah Jessica Parker?
• Oh wow. Those teeth. That nose. Alanis Morrisette?
• She is sarah jessica parker and she is perpetually an empty field
• Good lord, that nose.
• Sarah Jessica Parker.
• I kind of think “Amused Boredom with Wavy Hair” pretty much nails it. Unless “Dead Eyes Sheryl Crow” is better.

No. No. No. And No.

I suppose that next week I will draw Sarah Jessica Parker so that you people will guess Lisa Kudrow.

Sensing the potential for the peril that has, indeed, revealed itself above, I decided to do myself the favor of dabbling a moment in the realm of the instantly recognizable.

The results (predictable) amount to the kind of slam dunk that gives me false confidence and ensures the short-term continuation of this tortured exercise.

For all of you joined me in recognizing Calvin Cordozar Broadus, Jr. (the given name of the above pictured canine).

• Snoop Dogg (who let you out?)
• Snoop dogg!
• Cordozar Broadus, Jr.
• Snoop-diggety-dawg
• Snoop Dog because your friends posted it on Facebook (!!).
• Snoop dog in the house!
• Please be Snoop Dogg. If it’s not, I owe my coworkers $5 each. (I know, this is a bold risk in this game.)
• Snoop Dogg (Lion)?
• soooo obviously snoop dogg- you are so good at this this time!
• SNOOP Dog/Lion!!!!! SMOKE EM IF YOU GOTTEM!
• Snoop Dawg! This would almost look good on a t-shirt. You really nailed the curves of the braids.
• Snoop Snoop Snoop!! This one’s actually really, really good.

 

Thank you, my people, for the validating salvo. Please note: it was no coincidence that I chose to end on this drawing. All of you have forgotten about that Kudrow disaster, no?

And finally, for our bonus question, which this week demanded that each of you harness your inner Basho.

Honor Matthew’s hand
Please you must write a haiku
About one of these

And so you did. And so we will celebrate your efforts.

Snoop Dogg, yo yo yo,
Wha’up, bro, lemme know – yo
Cuz I need you so

Drop it like it’s hot
What’s my motherf*ing name
D-O-Double-G

Square peg she once was
Married to Ferris Bueller
Forever Carrie

Matthew has strong hand
Wisdom on paper he lays
Not much for words though (lol)

This time was so tough
Why do I feel like I know,
but can’t quite place them?

you know, some people
have natural talent but—
an a for effort

Smoking indo.
Sipping on gin and juice.
Laid back.

Snoop I have lusted
Beyond desire or reason
Sex works like that, yo

Disembodied head
With a tragic underbite
Dead Eyes Sheryl Crow

You people are spectacular. Truly. Thank you for walking with me along this treacherous high-mountain path from which we might stumble to tragic dismemberment at any moment. For those who wish to live a sublime existence must also risk all in the effort to reach the summit. But look, my friends. We are standing here together, bound by bad drawing and superlative verse. Let us plant the flag and have a picnic.

Life does not get any better.