Now that Matthew Draws has returned, I hope to curtail some of the bad habits that have plagued the previous incarnations. Gone are the days in which I would wait weeks and weeks to post answers! I add the exclamation point to remind myself that I mean it.
Let’s dive right in. I drew, you guessed. Mostly, it was a disaster, but there was a single ray of light. My first drawing was a resounding success! To remind you . . .
Though I would love to give a gold star to the person who said Laura Ingalls Wilder, that person is probably deranged and dangerous.
There were a number of Gwen Stefanis, several Miley Cyruses, a Lil Kim, a Nicki Minaj, and a Mary J Blige.
There was a Tammy Faye Baker and a Female Che Guevara.
But, by acclamation, the Missy Elliots ruled the day.
Thank you for for somehow penetrating the cold, dark vacuum that is my lack of drawing acumen. I’ve seldom felt more understood.
I should have stopped while I was ahead. But that is not how Matthew Draws works. And so I did another drawing. Here’s where things got murky.
There were no real themes to the guessing. We had a couple Steven A. Smiths and a few Spike Lees, but the rest were a series of desperate one-offs that I will share with you now.
- FDR
- Ummmmm
- Batman and/or Robin
- Paul Giamatti
- Bob Balaban
- Kareem Abdul Jabbar. Or Pete Townsend.
- Bono
- The Edge
- Will Smith
- The guy from the ESPN sports show
- Kareem
- OJ
- Steve Buscemi
- The piano guy on Letterman… I can’t remember his name. But it’s the glasses that made me think of him, so I’ve probably been thrown off track.
- Common
- Don Lemon
- Chris Darden
- An old Deitrick Haddon?
- Al Roker
- Moby without a shave
- That’s actually a good likeness, but of whom I can’t remember
All I can say is, no, no, no, and no. I was trying, albeit horribly, to draw Elvis Costello.
Because the rule of Matthew Draws dictates that there will be precisely four drawings each time, I plowed forward. I drew this delectable morsel.
Once again, most of you fired blanks. I do not blame you. It is entirely my fault.
Here are your best efforts, reckless stabbing in an Affleck-tinged, Baldwin-esque fog.
- Haggard Wall Streeter
- Hugh Jackman
- A Baldwin?
- Marco Rubio
- A Baldwin bro?
- John Travolta
- Ben Affleck. John Travolta. No idea!
- Billy Baldwin
- Ben Affleck
- John Hamm
- David Duchoveny
- John Travolta as Robert Shapiro (context is critical)
- Hugh Grant
- Ryan Seacrest
- The guy from Burn Notice
- Nick Cage
- Billy Baldwin
- Steven Baldwin
- No idea
- Ben Affleck
- Elliot Stabler
- Ron Perlman
- Howard Cosell
- Kevin Bacon with hair plugs
- William Baldwin
- John Travolta
- Ben Affleck
- Justin “le Hot Stuff and not just the poutine kind” Trudeau?
Such a chronicle of misguided disaster. But one of you, one glorious, lucky soul, guessed correctly. This is none other than Ryan Gosling.
My finale was not worth the price of admission. Please know I really, really tried, as I always do, even if the evidence is difficult to locate.
Did some of you get this one right? Yes! A few of you did. And some of you, in guessing wrong, incorrectly guessed the mother of the correct answer.
The rest of you were firing arrows at the moon, earnest, admirable, and completely misguided:
- Carmen Electra? She hasn’t aged a day.
- Oh God No
- Jennifer Aniston
- Hilary Clinton
- I refuse to insult anyone by putting their name to that likeness. No, wait, Sarah Palin.
- One of Drumpf’s wives
- Barbra Streisand
- Nope
- Queen Latifah
- Jennifer Anniston
- Miley Cyrus, upon de-coupling, yet again, from Liam Hemsworth
- Gloria Steinhem
- Barbara Streisand
- Miley Cyrus
- Julia Roberts
- Hannah Montana
- Barbara Streisand
- ???
- Ryot Wilson
- Lily Tomlin
- Mayim Bialik
- Susan Sarandon
- Ivanka Drumpf, because TIMELY!
- Kim Davis without glasses
- ???
An entire four of you correctly guessed that I had attempted to draw Chelsea Clinton.
Though I must give a special shout out to the handful of you who guessed Barbra Streisand. I see it! I really do.
As for my star rating (a new feature of the Matthew Draws reboot), I earned a whopping 3.4 stars from you people. Which is to say, which of you is trying to bribe me, and what is it that you want? Only one of you had the good sense to award me the single star I deserved, and eight of you gave me FIVE STARS. By what standard am I being measured? Do you people enjoy pain? Were the instructions unclear. I am shocked and a little bit flattered and a whole lot worried about the readership of this blog.
And for the bonus question: If you were to choose two of these people to star in the 2016 reboot of “The Shining,” which would you choose to play Jack and Wendy and why?
- I’d put a whole new twist on it and have Missy Elliot be Jack and Haggard Wall Streeter play Wendy. It would be a “fresh new gender-swapping take” and I think Missy Elliot could pretty convincingly scare the pants off of Haggard Wall Streeter.
- Missy and Oh God No
- Baldwin and Clinton. Because peanut butter and jelly. That’s why.
- Balding eyeglass dude and Sarah Palin, because it would make for a much shorter movie, as Jack would have been driven into a murderous rage by Sarah Palin’s Wendy at a much earlier point in the film.
- Definitely 3 and 1. 3 looks halfway around the bend to begin with, and 1 would not take any supernatural shit off of anyone.
- Billy Baldwin and Missy Elliott. Because, duh.
- Missy Elliot and Bob Balaban. Because that I would pay to see.
- Well. I’d pick Miley for Wendy, cuz she’d come in like a wrecking ball on all that creepshow. And I suspect the 2nd male figure is actually the newly botoxed and tucked Tom Cruise, not, in fact, John Travolta as Robert Shapiro. So, given that, I’d cast Missy Elliott as Jack, because she’d write a hella good soundtrack to go with it.
- The Balding guy should be Jack. He looks scary. Hannah Montana (on the right) should be Wendy for similar reasons. Terrifying.
- #3 would be Jack, and the little face on his forehead would be Wendy. GIMME THE BAT!
- Ivanka Drumpf & Justin Trudeau because POLITIX!
- Kim Davis to play Jack of course, and Ryan Gosling to play Wendy because I can’t remember Wendy at all, and in this drawing, Ryan looks very unmemorable. I think he could play unmemorable well, despite his charming handsomeness.
- The first to play Wendy – she looks badass. The second to play Jack – he certainly does not look like a dull boy.
- redrum
And that, my friends, is that. I hope you enjoyed the guessing. I sure did enjoy the drawing. What is Matthew Draws if not a constant affirmation that the line between pleasure and pain can be very thin indeed.
Please tune in again next Wednesday for a fresh batch of drawings.
I feel so honored to be one glorious, lucky soul! I had searched the list for my own suggestion, thinking ‘oh well, he either wrote Ryan Seacrest by mistake, or didn’t mention what I wrote.’ Imagine my excitement to find I was the lucky one!
How four people guessed that you were trying to draw Chelsea Clinton is absolutely baffling! This contest is utterly flabbergasting, I will follow again and again!