Here we are again. I drew some folks. Here they are.
I started here. Take a close look.
This isn’t “ET with quarantine hair,” though I get where you’re coming from.
Neither is it Bjork, Ellen Page, or “Rooney Mara, except I don’t believe you would know who Rooney Mara is.”
Friends, I do know who Rooney Mara is. Someday I will draw her.
But for today, I have drawn someone who is not:
- That girl who insists that she knows what you did.
- IDK, but she wouldn’t think twice about cutting you w/ a straight razor
- She’s so pretty! Very round head. No idea.
- Hayden Christiansen in the Star Wars where he had that long rat tail?
No, friends, as MANY of you correctly guessed, this week’s subject was Greta Thunberg, or, as one of you so elegantly put it, “Greta Thunberg, assuming that little pooplet on her shoulder is in fact a braid.”
Friends, the pooplet was as advertised.
Next I went here. I knew it wasn’t wise, but I couldn’t help myself.
Again, you did well. (Which means I did well.) MANY of you correctly guessed this person’s identity. But some of you did not.
For example, this person is not
- What Jared Kushner would look like if his face weren’t made of Botox.
- Gilbert Gottfried with quarantine hair. And face.
- The mole. The mole should give it away. But I have no idea, because it’s clearly not De Niro.
- Bobby DeNiro? Or am I confused because you just did Pacino?
- I’m also not sure but maybe he hosts a network news program?
- Gilbert Gottfried unsuccessfully switching careers to be an accountant.
- Me after 6 weeks of quarantine, obviously
- My gynecologist
- Skeptical potato man
- All I see is the hamburger where his mouth goes.
No, friends, as plenty of you saw, plain as day, I drew Andrew Cuomo.
Next up is my latest shame. Why is it that the loveliest among us are the most difficult to accurately depict?
I predict I’ll lose a handful of friends when you discover who I’ve drawn.
First off, none of you guessed correctly. My bad!
But your range of wrongness was truly impressive.
I did not draw Blythe Danner, Tracey Ullman, Carrot Top, Meryl Streep, Kristen Chenoweth, Kellyanne Conway. Mary Chapin Carpenter, Katy “Roar” Perry, Melania Drumpf, Betsy DeVos, Kristen Stewart, Sarah Jessica Parker, Elizabeth Hurley, or Jane Krakowski.
Nor was my subject:
- Stefan after letting himself go when Seth Meyers went back to his wife and kids.
- Nightmare Lady
- The head baddie from the witches?
- Nosferatu after cosmetic dentistry
- The Crypt Keeper, with quarantine hair, and teeth.
- “… in need of some serious rhinoplasty after the cosmetic dentistry. That nose hole is so big!
- Ghoulie McSpecter
- She either works with Drumpf, used to work with Drumpf, or is going to work with Drumpf.
- Someone who electrocuted themselves by poking a fork in an outlet?
- Man, we were doing so well…. a coke addict? or Melissa Rivers?
- Beavis…or is it Butthead?
- Miley Cyrus gone old
Wait, but Lo! One of you DID guess correctly. My bad! Oh wait! TWO of you!
One of you was on the mark when saying “Phoebe from Friends”
But the winner really drove it home with:
“Lisa Kudrow after giving her rhinologist $500,000 & telling him she wanted her nose “more Picasso.”
I do think I got the nose right. Or right-ish. Or at least right-er than I might have.
No matter. Let us move on to brighter skies. Here’s where I landed for subject number four.
An overwhelming number of you agree that I have drawn a very fine portrait of John Kraskinski.
And I agree! IF I had been trying to draw John Krasinski.
But, just as I was not trying to draw Rooney Mara before, I am not trying to draw John Krasinksi now.
Before moving on from you John Krasinksi conspiracy theorists, I do want to honor a few guesses that delight me (I find your misbegotten confidence so endearing):
- Jim! It’s Jim! From the Office! Doing “Smolder.”
- That’s good news boy John krasinski! That’s a good likeness!
- John Krasinski! Don’t wanna jinx ourselves, here, but we feel pretty good about half, perhaps even 3/4 of these!
- John Krasinski but I hope I’m wrong because John Krasinski deserves better
- John Krazinski as Jack Ryan! DO NOT TELL ME I AM WRONG.
Hm. Sorry, but you are wrong.
I also didn’t draw Ryan Reynolds, Tobey Maguire, or Bradley Cooper played by Christopher Walken.
ONE blessed soul among you guessed “Wolverine,” which I take as ironclad evidence that I have successfully rendered Hugh Jackman.
And now, for the bonus question:
Bonus Question! If you were in court for disturbing the peace (streaking down the middle of Main Street at noon on a Thursday), who would you want to be your lawyer and why?
Here they are again.
Here’s what you had to say:
- Greta Thunberg, because Global warming made me do it.
- Probably Hamburger Mouth. Looks like he knows his way around a courtroom.
- B, because he looks lawyerly and could me out of trouble in a NY minute
- Who are you kidding? People would pay to see me streak down the middle of Main Street on any day of the week!
- B, He has that broken-in-spirit look of a Public Defender: jaded, but competent
- Because I live in NY state, I’d go with Cuomo bc if he lost my case, he could still commute my sentence.
- John Krasinski for sure, purely for the Jim Halpert side eye he’d throw to the court sketch artist. Streaking’s gotta be legal now, as long as you’re wearing a mask, right?
- A. She looks she would quietly and politely kick your ass. Those are the kind of qualities I look for in a lawyer
- A. I simply cannot bring myself the trust the others.
Thank you all for making me laugh, Friends. I only hope that I have managed to return the favor.
I consider Matthew Draws a success if 1) most of you guess wrong, yielding an avalanche of misbegotten delight, and 2) the subject of every drawing is correctly identified by at least one of you (the baseline validation I need to keep on drawing).
Check and check!
Which is to say, I’ll be back in a few weeks with Matthew Draws 52.
Perhaps I will draw Rooney Mara. My guess is that she would end up looking an awful lot like John Krasinski.