It has been an epic saga to be sure. Weeks ago, we challenged Idiots’Books readers to draw four celebrities. Various contestants did their worst, and in the end, there was a tie between Holly and Lacey, who both agreed to engage in hand-to-hand combat to determine the winner. The challenge, to draw the elusive and bewitching Uma.
For the sake of self aggrandizement, I threw my hat into the ring. And here are the results.
In third place, with 16 percent of the vote, is Jorge, AKA Holly, who freely admitted to creating this drawing intoxicated and with her left hand.
In second place, with 26 percent of the vote (and 99 percent of precincts reporting) is Manuel, AKA Matthew, who freely admits to creating this image while stone sober using his right hand.
Which brings us to our proud winner, Enrique, AKA Lacey, who commanded 58 percent of the vote and talked much smack but backed it up. We have no idea as to the status of her sobriety (or lack thereof) during the creation of this drawing.
In recognition of her grand accomplishment, we will throw Lacey a small and lackluster parade here in the barn later this afternoon. Mandarin oranges and brownish bananas will be served, but there will be no confetti. Also, Lacey has won herself a yearlong subscription to Idiots’Books. Which, some might argue, is kind of like getting poked in the eye.
As for our first bonus question:
Which of these is really Matthew in disguise?
Only 13 percent of you were fooled. The rest of you correctly identified me as Manuel, creator of the most successful (though surprisingly unheralded) drawing of Uma. I assume I am one of those artists whose greatness refuses to be recognized until I am dead.
As for the second bonus question:
If these were Bachelorettes #1, #2 and #3, which would you want to marry, which would you want to have sex with, and which would you want to throw off a cliff?
I will marry no one because I am the old lady with 12 cats who talks to herself in the grocery store. I will have sex with number 2 because she looks excited to meet me. And I will throw number 3 off a cliff just because.
- Marry #3. She has nice eyes and a good corpse-bridey vibe. Have sex with #1. Not so much “want to”, but rather you’re too drunk to notice her weird hand and exaggerated features and waking up next to her is confusing. And again with #2, not “want to” throw her off a cliff, but I’m pretty sure with those crazy eyes and weird hand (hands are clearly difficult) she’d throw herself off a cliff without my help, Ophelia-style.
- Is walking off the show an option?
- None, one, two and three. But mostly 2 if I had to pick.
- Marry #3 Have sex with #1 Throw #2 off the cliff, before she does the same to me.
- Marry #1–tough hands, which means she’s a worker. Have sex with #2–I can tell she’s got a freaky side to her. Throw #3 off the cliff–she looks like Napoleon Dynamite drew her, so I suspect there’s a Liger lurking somewhere nearby.
- None deserve any of those fates. The first and last are kindly souls and the third deserves our patience, grace, and kindness as one less-fortunate. They all seem happy; why curse them with misery?
- I’d marry #3 (she looks honest), I’d “do” #1 (look at those luscious lips!) and #2 would go right off the cliff (she needs to be put out of her misery).
- Marry #1; sex with #3 and kill #1
- Marry 1, and maybe let 2 and 3 have sex with each other while being thrown off a cliff by moi.
As always, I appreciate you people and your winsome contributions. Riding along on this roller coaster of a recurring blog feature is truly one of the most thrilling and devastating things I do on a weekly basis. Nourished constantly by the twin blessings of laughter and humility, I shall soldier on.
Maybe try it sober next time, Holly!
You’re the best, Manuel!